It's All a Trust Exercise

Trust Vs. Fear

Tullow, County Carlow, Ireland

Tullow, County Carlow, Ireland

One of my mentors, Katrina Ruth, frequently asks “What would trust look like right now? What would fear?” as a point of guidance. And, in all honesty, recently I havn’t wanted any of it. I told myself that I was living from trust and therefore this question didn’t apply to me. 

I have been consciously choosing to live from “trust” for months now (been doing it for most of my life without knowing it I suppose), so clearly I’ve got this nailed down. Right?

Um, nuh uh.

This morning this question came to mind again and, after having spent the last week trying to kick my own ass back into a place of feeling connected to my business and life goals, it didn’t seem so obsolete to me after all. Duh 

I choose to live from a place of trust, but who was I to think that that meant there would be no room for fear?

Who was I to downplay the choices I was making over fear every day?

Who was I to ignore the places where I was playing dumb and bowing down to fear?

Not who I want to be, that’s who. 

Trust is a choice, dudette

Choosing to live from faith, or trust, or whatever word suits you takes some serious guts and discipline. It commands that you choose it. That you live in no other way.

I feel my best when I am living from this place. When I am leaning into the trust I have in myself and the universe. But, just because I know it’s what’s best doesn’t mean I’m always doing it unconsciously. 

For me, trust, right now, would look like taking action even though I don’t feel ready. Even though I am still building my foundations around self-worth and self-belief. Action leads to clarity, not vice versa.

It would look like me believing that I am enough, as I am, always.

It would look like me just being me and knowing that that alone makes me successful. Letting life show up for me the way it always has before. 

The work is The cure.
— Katrina Ruth

Fear would look like me staying small. Getting a 9-5 job and chasing stability rather than the extraordinary. 

I REFUSE.

I have always tried and often succeeded, to live from trust in my life. I love to leap and figure things out wherever I land. I have trusted in my ability to do so and in the universe for having my back while I do.

I have leaned into the adventure and into the things that bring me joy.

you get to define what success means to you

I have leaned HARD into flowing with the go and going with the flow. Until things just stopped flowing. Until I knew I needed to demand more of myself, that I needed to give more of myself back. 

The fact that I was living from fear in my career caught up to me. For the past 10 years I have remained in an industry that, at some point, just became easy for me. It demanded nothing of me other than…you know…my joy. It was something I knew I would receive validation and compensation for. It wasn’t scary or challenging anymore. I knew it was going to pay the bills and that I was good at it. But I was miserable doing it and I had been for some time. I had always known it was not for me forever. That I would not be able to do it forever, if I wanted to live a happy life. And, I knew I did. So what was stopping me?

Trinity College, Dublin, Ireland

Trinity College, Dublin, Ireland

The motherfreakers name is Fear. That god damn fear gremlin. 

I wasn’t so terrified of things being hard, but I was terrified of starting over and not finding anything at all. Of failing so miserably that I would crawl back to the industry I had left. 

Yeah guys, my belief in myself was pathetic. Sincerely. 

It’s funny, even as I write this, I realize how far I have come in less than a year. That even now I don’t know how to just give myself a break and to celebrate the small and big wins. 

To celebrate where I have overcome fear and leapt into trust. 

I’ve come to realize that it is because I have been conditioned to think that for something to be “successful” it has to be hard. That for something to be worth celebrating I need to have suffered in some way to get there.

Just because quitting my job and moving across the country felt fun, doesn’t mean it wasn’t brave, that it isn’t something worth celebrating. That it isn’t something I shouldn’t be proud of myself for.

That because travelling lights me up and fuels me, that I shouldn’t marvel at the fact that I was able to make it happen for myself. That I made the sacrifices that were necessary to achieve that dream. Over and over.

This is motherfreaking bullshit. 

And, it is something that I find myself repeating all the freaking time. Something that I deep down know is true but often allow myself to forget. 

I am successful as I am. All of my life is experience. Just because I don’t have a diversified portfolio or a stacked resume doesn’t mean I am not successful. I GET TO DEFINE WHAT SUCCESS MEANS TO ME. And, so do you. 

Today, success and trust look like me kicking my own ass into gear around my business.

It looks like me saying goodbye to the fear gremlin and taking action every day, especially when I don’t feel ready. It looks like celebrating every single little win along the way.

It looks like leaning into the joys of my life.

It looks like being unavailable to believe that to be successful it needs to feel so damn hard all the time, to let it feel easy.

It looks like embracing every part of me and infusing that into my business.

It looks like taking adventures because that’s who I am and I will never sacrifice that part of me, no matter what others may think.

It looks like being vulnerable in order to maybe help even just one person know they're not alone, know that if I can do it, so can they.

It looks like me doing something I’ve always dreamed of doing because I can. Of following through with it, and of seeking support wherever I can find it. In making new friends. In reconnecting with old ones. In setting boundaries and sticking to them. In choosing me. 

If I want to be successful in my life, and if I want to live bravely, failure is inevitable. I CHOOSE to trust that failing fast and often will only lead me to the lessons I need to learn. That I will be ok either way. 

I choose faith over fear because fear does not serve me. And, it does not serve you. 

Not in your business, not in your life. 

I lose track of that sometimes, but I always come back to the same conclusion. If I want to live like the woman I know can be, then I need to opt-out of fear and I need to lean into trust. 

TRAVEL- the ultimate trust exercise

Tullow, County Carlow, Ireland

Tullow, County Carlow, Ireland

I understand now that my choice to travel the world rather than face a career that didn’t light me up was a trust exercise. That I was trusting that all things would work out the way they were meant to if I kept choosing my dreams, my heart, my soul. I wanted to see the world and I had chosen out of that dream for long enough to know that it wasn’t serving me. That I was self-destructing. 

Travel brought me back to life. It brought me back to me. But, it wasn’t really travel. It was me FINALLY choosing to trust that the thing I wanted to do was the right choice. That even if others viewed it as irresponsible that, for me, there was no other way. So I chose to practice absolute TRUST that it would all work out. I definitely would not have worded it like that then, but that’s how I see it now. 

Don’t get me wrong, I was still scared shitless that it was the wrong choice. That choosing travel over a career would not serve me in the end. But, my gut told me otherwise. And, I chose her. I am eternally grateful I did. 

I chose my dreams over the expectations I had laid out for myself and for my life.  Expectations that I didn’t really believe in or want. 

I chose faith over fear. 

Faith that feeling fulfilled in my life meant more than the fear of not having it all figured out.

Faith in my intuition over the fear of failure. 

Faith that I would make it work over the fear of instability (financial and otherwise). 

Woah. 

Epiphany moment. 

If I could do it then, I can definitely do it now. 

I choose to trust that seeking a fulfilled life is more powerful than the fear of failure. 

I choose to trust that my business will grow in time over the fear of failing.

I choose to trust that clarity and confidence comes from the actions I take over the fear of taking the wrong actions. 

I choose to trust in myself over the fear of, in the end, not being enough (Horse shit, I know. I’m working on it.)

And, I choose to trust that the adventure will never end.

Are you living from a place of trust or fear?

What can you do today to change that?

And, remember

Life is your adventure, you can define it however you’d like.