Grateful As It Is
Is it so wrong to just want to be happy? For that to be the goal? For that to be your measurement of success?
Obvious answer is OF COURSE NOT, that’s the ultimate goal, duh. Is it though?
When you really stop to think about what you are doing in your life right now, is happiness your goal?
Or is it a financial goal? A promotion? A deadline?
A thing you think that will bring happiness when you get there.
Believe me I get it, I’ve been there. In fact, I’ve been there recently.
Thinking that I’ll be that much happier when I reach that next level with my business or when I hit that financial goal.
Guess what? It doesn’t. Seeking that next thing, chasing the dream is going to keep you moving, but it won’t keep you fulfilled. Happy.
I’m a dreamer, do not get me wrong. I love to go after my dreams, but the biggest challenge for me by FAR in my life has been to find the magic in the NOW (All the NOWS) consistently and effortlessly.
To feel successful in this exact moment, without the elevated business or first class plane tickets.
To understand that right now is all that really matters. To understand how freaking lucky I am right now. How great do I feel now. How proud I am now. Not how great I WILL feel. Not how proud I WILL be.
How are you feeling in this exact moment? Deep down?
Do you stop to think about that regularly? Do you stop to appreciate where you are NOW?
Think about where you were a year ago, where you grateful then? Did you foresee where you are now?
I know I definitely didn’t. There is no way I could have. In fact, I didn’t even really have a clue where I wanted to be. Just an idea of how I wanted to feel. I know now that that is where the magic lies.
I can see now though that I’m comfortable with that deep down. With not knowing exactly where I’ll be a year from today. In fact, I love it.
The reason I am so comfortable with it is because I really do trust that it will all work out how it’s supposed to. I trust myself and my ability to make the most of it. My ability to overcome. My ability to roll with it, to take it in stride. To make the most of my life.
To be grateful for every lesson and step. And, oh maaannnn have there been some lessons.
I feel gratitude for them now, because I love the badass female I am, but there was a LONG time where I couldn’t see how they were serving me, where I couldn’t get passed the shame clouding my view of them.
Hindsight is 20/20. I’m proud of myself for choosing to find gratitude for those moments, but choosing to be grateful for every moment NOW is how I want to live my life.
I know 100% that I am a happier and more joyful person when I am living in gratitude. When I am expressing it, embracing it, taking the pause to really feel it.
But, it’s so hard not to focus on the future. Not to be almost obsessed with it.
We’re hardwired this way. We’re raised to plan, schedule and anticipate.
I used to really think that I was the type of person who thrived in an organized, scheduled environment. This makes me laugh now.
It is clearer to me than ever that while I love having daily rituals for myself, I truly thrive in the periods of unknown, in the moments where nothing is planned, where I am just living my day as it happens. This is the way I want to live my life. One moment at a time.
OBVIOUSLY, life requires some planning. What I am trying to express is that I don’t want to live my life in CONSTANT anticipation for the future. For what I should be doing next. Fuck the should, anyway.
When’s the last time something worked out exactly how you thought it would? Do you even remember how you’d expected it to work out?
When you’re truly happy, you’re not even thinking about what comes next. You’re in that moment, you’re caught up in that feeling.
That’s how I CHOOSE to live my life from now on.
I know it will take practice. I will need to remind myself everyday, many times a day.
But, there are far worse things to keep yourself accountable to then you’re present happiness.
I’m done with the pressure of having it all figured out, and the constriction around the fear of it maybe not coming together exactly how I feel it needs to.
It doesn’t need to come together in any which way, or at all for that matter. The way my life does roll out could be better than I’m even capable of imagining it anyway.
The thought of not following a step-by-step guide is so extremely difficult for me. The thought of having to trust myself to just do the thing, how I want to do it, immediately lights up this fear gremlin inside my head saying “What if I do it wrong?”, “What if there’s a better way?”, “I should do more research”.
I CHOOSE to brush that fear gremlin aside, to stop being such a chicken, and to move forward as myself.
Every time I do this, I feel a little more empowered. I feel a little more comfortable in my own skin. And a little more capable to trust that I can handle all that life has in store for me. NOW, and later.
I am capable
I am powerful
I am unstoppable
I am happy
I am grateful
I am present.